Essay
MAY. 16, 2012
Sometimes, I have thoughts about something. They are fleeting images that flicker across my mind and body. They don’t cohere into a point of view or even into a lucid argument: they are moments of thought, images without narrative.
So I sit down to write. My writing, in this case, is not simply an expression of my thoughts. Rather, the writing is the thinking. As I string words, sentences, paragraphs together I am forced to find connections — causal, affective, complementary — between and amongst my otherwise scattered thoughts.
Language, at times like this, is amazing. Its more or less rigid structure coerces sense from nonsense, order from chaos, effability from the inchoate. It can be a frustrating process as the thoughts aren’t sure of how they connect to each other — or whether they even want to. Maybe I sense a structure to the thoughts but that structure doesn’t fit into the linear structure of language. The fault, then, is mine: I need to make the words wind and pleat.
Usually, however, it’s exhilarating. I sit down before a blank screen and then lean into language to see how my thoughts will meet words and grammar. Which part of my thought will become the subject of the sentence? What action will it take? And how will it do it all — emphatically? Dead pan? Ironically? Not only does writing distribute sense, it distributes affect — the feel of the idea.
The means of assembling and distributing the ideas are many — logical derivations, anecdote, sheer sentiment. There might be a generalization or three, perhaps a quote or vaguely remembered citation; there could be a tangent that suggests another direction; or a polemic that awkwardly but powerfully glues disparate thoughts.
Writing like this is what we call an essay — a try, an attempt. This is, of course, the etymology of the word — from the French, essayer, to try. This is not about creating a highly polished, clean, clear monolith. It’s about seeing how thoughts meet language and what kind of order might emerge. Sure, a good essay enjoys a certain lucidity. But this lucidity doesn’t turn on singularity or conclusion: it may be a multiplicity that never reaches its climax, a jouissance of thinking.
Essays take place on the page, in and of the strange and beautiful space of writing. Essays are open to all sorts of connections and sutures, including caesuras and ellipses. Unlike, say, the article, the essay is a generous form, embracing multiple modes of address, even in the same essay. It can follow a digression, fold back around into a new beginning, or just entertain a passing whim. (Compare this to the academic article.)
And the essay asks for this same generosity from its readers. Don’t look for a point, the essay says. Just let it lead you here and there, see where it takes you. An essay is uncharted: you never know where you’ll end up.
(Source: blush-on)
6:40 am • 25 May 2012
It Only Takes One Sentence to Make Me Really Cry
I’ve been having a movie marathon since the end of the semester, and I’m savoring this very short two-week vacation by watching movies I downloaded by Torrent (sshhh…), all saved up just for no-school-days.
And let me tell you – I’ve got bunch of films I watched that just really made me cry.
I’m not the kind of person who cries so easily. If I can handle my tears, I can really handle my tears.
But all thanks to that one sentence in that very dramatic scene that can really make tears gush down my eyes. I’m already crying faster than I can say, “The drama!”
Here are some!
(Oh, yes, I’m sharing it with you. But it won’t make you cry when you read it. Just watch the film and BAM!)
- 1. “How can you look at the woman you love and tell yourself it’s time to walk away?” – The Vow
- 2. “Grabe, Macky, wasak, sagad.” – Unofficially Yours
- 3. “If that we’re true, and I waited long enough, then a tiny figure would appear across the field, and gradually get larger, until I see it was Tommy.” – Never Let Me Go
And last but not the least, the one that made me cry again and again every time I rewind it. Definitely the best film of 2011, with Meryl Streep as the lead actress. This scene is that cliché scene when you say goodbye to a memory of a loved one: There’s a path he’s walking straight ahead. You can’t come with him, so all you have to do is watch him go further and further. You call him to come back.
But the way this particular movie weaved its story had made this cliché scene a heart-piercing one. Just one sentence and I cried buckets – that, and the ultimate simple acting of Meryl Streep. Here it is:
- 4. “Dennis…I said I don’t want you to go yet.” – The Iron Lady
One sentence, and it sent me off to the Crying Land. I recommend you watch this film. The Iron Lady – HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. I was watching alone in my room, and after the movie, I softly clapped for Meryl Streep. I just clapped in my room alone. She’s that brilliant.
Oh god, my memory is playing the scene again, and my heart is still so touched.
“I don’t want you to go yet.”
And Margaret watched her husband continue walking to the end of the hallway which is a window.
“I don’t want to be on my own,” Margaret said.
“You can be on your own. You always have been,” Dennis said, and he faded away with the bright light that engulfed the window.
Oh, the drama.
(Source: blush-on)
7:03 am • 10 April 2012
Are You Ready For A Boyfriend?
How do you know when the time is right? Though current society and the media tend to portray boyfriends as “not a big deal”, they kind of are. We take singleness for granted. But, even if you don’t have anyone knocking on your door, waiting to give you flowers, how do you know if you’re ready for it to happen?
From what I’ve experienced and observed in life, there are three stages you could possibly be in:
Not Ready, But Open
Ready, But Not Open
Ready AND Open
Let’s uncover them together.
Not Ready, But Open
You’re definitely not ready for a boyfriend. You know this. You don’t have to take quizzes or ask your friends because the answer is obvious. Perhaps, you’re not ready due to financial issues, emotional issues, or spiritual issues.
If someone asked you, “Could you handle a boyfriend right now?”, your honest answer would be, “Of course not.”
HOWEVER, if a guy asked you out, you’d say, ”yes”, in a heartbeat.
You’re not ready at all. But, you’re willing to accept. In fact, you’re willing to initiate and pursue.
Why is that?
Honestly, for each person, it’s a different reason. But, it definitely comes from your childhood experiences. You have to sit back and objectively analyze yourself.
When did you ever throw yourself into something serious without taking the proper amount of time to prepare?
For example: You were too young/scared to be visiting your father after the divorce, but you went for it anyway. And ever since then, you’ve been launching yourself into situations that you’re not ready for.
Though the consequences of being Not Ready, But Open are sometimes positive (when tackling jobs and opportunities that come your way), they can be disastrous when it comes to relationships.
Ready, But Not Open
You are ready to have a boyfriend. You are ready to be financially successful. You are inches away from overcoming your deepest issues.BUT, you are not open to any of this happening.
You look for reasons why you shouldn’t do something, even when you’re completely prepared for it to happen.
Afraid to Be Happy (click ME) is DEFINITELY going on here.
You want good things to happen to you. You are prepared for good things to happen to you.
HOWEVER, you’re not open when a good thing comes along.
Why is that?
Looking back to your childhood, did you ever prepare for something, only to have it taken away from you by something that was out of your control?
For example: You saved $100 of your allowance only to have someone break into your room and steal your piggy bank. Since then, you’ve never saved again. You spend every check, every source of income as soon as you receive it.
Though the consequences of being Ready, But Not Open are sometimes positive (like being able to easily say “no” to peer pressure, douchebags, and jerks), it can still be disastrous to relationships—when you find yourself saying, “No thank you,” to Mr. Right.
Ready AND Open
You’re pretty prepared (emotionally, financially, and spiritually). You’re on track for where you currently want to be in life. And you’re open to opportunities as they come.
Those deep psychological, childhood problems are being resolved.
You know when to be closed (to guys that are bad for you) and when to be open (to guys that deserve a chance).
I haven’t met a lot of Ready AND Open people. Usually, we fall into the other two categories. It takes wisdom, time, patience, and experience to be both Ready AND Open.
We’re all reaching towards being Ready AND Open. Which stage are you at right now?
(Source: blush-on)
8:41 am • 21 March 2012
When Everyone Goes “OOOOOOOO!”
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Don’t you hate when everybody makes a big deal out of something that’s not even worth mentioning? You’re trying to guard your heart. You’re trying not to like this guy who is SO not right for you. But the people around you just won’t let it go. They plague your mind by saying,“You two are so cute together!”, “Are you a couple?” and “Awwwww!”.So, how do you avoid these incredibly awkward and embarrassing situations?
Why This Happens
People LOVE drama. They instigate it every chance they get.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a specific way to get them to stop. And if there is, I haven’t found it yet. In most cases, people just want you to be happy. They’re forcing a relationship on you—any relationship. Asking them to stop could be an awkward conversation that isn’t worthwhile (unless the whole situation is truly tormenting you).
There isn’t a foolproof way to get the room to stop saying,“OOOOOOOOooooooooo” when you and that guy you’re trying not to crush on are mentioned together.
You only have command over your reaction.
Be Honest For A Level One
Be honest for a Level One. Remember that a Level Onemeans you don’t dislike him. He’s okay. Just another guy in your world.
Treat the situation as if EVERYONE is referring to just another person. Somebody you don’t think about too often. Imagine and then, believe that everyone is reacting CRAZILY and DRAMATICALLY to somebody who is just your Level One.
If you do this, your responses to their ridiculous statements might sound something like this:
Option #1:
Nosy Person: You two look so cute together!
You: Who? You mean me and him? …?
Option #2:
Nosy Person: What’s going on with you two?
You: What are you talking about?
Option #3:
Nosy Person: Do you like him?
You: Sure, I do. He’s a nice guy.
Option #4:
Nosy Person: OOooooooo!
You: ….?
This is one of the only proven ways to nip the drama in the bud. You’re not trying to be nonchalant cool. You just are. The confusion isn’t feigned. You just honestly weren’t expecting any of these questions.
Watch Out For …
The scary truth is that YOU might be that Nosy Person in your own life. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
~Are you the one egging this on?
~Are you the one who’s itching for drama?
~Why are you self-directing and propelling yourself by going, “Ooooo” at your own non-relationship?
Just be aware if the one instigating all the drama you despise so much, is really you.
The Nitty-Gritty
Even if nosy people are completely on the right track—meaning that they see true chemistry between you and this guy—believe that you’re aLevel One for him anyway. Don’t be swayed by their comments. You are your own person! Live that life of yours!
By Zabrinah of zabrinah.com
(Source: blush-on)
4:55 am • 19 March 2012
Getting Your Life Together
JAN. 30, 2012
By RYAN O’CONNELL
You’ve been sad for a long time now. 30 days, six months, four years. You know it. Your friends might know it. Your parents certainly don’t know it. Every day you wake up hoping and praying that something will change. It can’t be the weather or the location. You’ve already tried to change those but it was all done in vain. You learned that you were just as miserable when you were surrounded by palm trees as you were in a blizzard. Isn’t that a cruel joke? Ha. Ha. (Shh, no one is laughing.)
No, no, it needs to be something much bigger than that, something you’ve never experienced before, that will make you return back to normal. You’ve already tried all your usual tricks and they failed you miserably. Desperately, you rummaged through your “Things That Make Me Happy” bag and came up short. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! This has never happened before! You don’t quite understand how you could still feel so low after you ran for five miles at the gym, had the best date of your life, and climaxed around two in the morning.
You must need some moment of clarity, some divine intervention that will put you back on course. But, um, hello, when will that come? You’ve been waiting for months now and things just keep getting worse. Moments of clarity must not be very punctual. They like to take their sweet time, don’t they?
You know one thing for certain though. You can’t have another year like the one you just had. You honestly don’t have it in you. The fight is gone. You just have to start resigning yourself to the fact that this is how things are and you can’t strive for anything better. Lock yourself in your room and listen to sad music in bed. Become comfortably uncomfortable. Think to yourself “This is it. My life will be like this forever. I’ll watch others pass me by and get married while I’m sitting on my couch watching episodes of 30 Rock. So sad but oh well!” There’s almost a relief in giving up. You spent so long trying to fight off what was going to overtake you anyway. It feels good to finally just let it win. You want me, sadness? You got me.
Then it happens. You have the change, the coveted moment of clarity. Maybe it arrives right after you have a fun night out or lay in bed with someone till two in the afternoon or go home to your parents for a long weekend. Whatever it is, it makes you realize that this is the realest thing that has happened to you since forever. Pathetic, right? You used to always have moments like this, moments when you felt plugged in and like an active participant in your own life. Now every moment you have just feels like a dull blade that’s poking against your skin, trying to draw blood but ultimately failing to make any kind of impact.
This acts as a jolt of electricity and brings you back to life. It reminds you of what you’re capable of having and, more importantly, what you deserve to have. It teaches you that you need to respect yourself. Your mind and body aren’t a garbage can and you have to start taking care of them. You have to be a doting parent who waters the plants.
Maturity often develops over time, but in some instances, it can quite literally happen overnight. It’s not necessarily about hitting a rock bottom. You don’t have to be crying in the middle of the day for no reason, or sleeping with the 400th person who doesn’t mean a thing to you, or freebasing heroin in an alleyway to realize you need to get your life together. It can happen when the bad things are still subtle, when the choppy waves are chafing against your skin but not swallowing you whole. Things don’t always have to get worse before they get better. Sometimes they can just stay regular run of the mill “ugh.”
Who knows what your life will look like in ten years? It’s pointless to think about it. All you have to remember is that you don’t have to resign yourself to anything. You don’t have to be lying on your couch while everyone moves on without you. Instead, you can just DVR that episode of 30 Rock and leave with everyone else.
(Source: blush-on)
6:40 am • 31 January 2012 • 3 notes
Please Stop Pretending Like We’ve Never Met Before
DEC. 14, 2011
By RYAN O’CONNELL 
“You know those people you’ve met a handful of times at social gatherings and each time they pretend that they’ve never met you before? Yeah, those people suck. They extend their hand to say, “Oh my god, hi. So nice to meet you. What’s your name?” and you reply with, “Um, we’ve actually met a few times. My name’s blah-blah.” And then they feign embarrassment and start to profusely apologize. “Oh, right. Of course! I’m so sorry. I remember you, duh!” Um seriously, what is up with these people? I’m inclined to think that most of them do remember you and this is just their passive aggressive way of telling you that you’re not worth saving space in their memory bank for. In which case, my name is Aura Banana Shame Spiral Virgo Princess and you can go screw yourself.
l’ll be the first to admit that I have trouble recognizing faces. It’s an embarrassing problem that I’ve had for as long as I can remember and it makes me genuinely worry if I’ve had some undiagnosed head trauma in the past. I mean, it goes above and beyond being forgetful.
[…]
Even though my memory is clearly defected, I know that I’m in the minority. So to the people I’ve met countless times, screw you for pretending to not know who I am. You’re allowed to forget the second time and maybe even the third time if both of our prior interactions were boozy, but you’re not allowed to not remember me after that. You just know that it’s, more often than not, some stupid power play. Like, “Oh, I repress you every time we meet so I forget who you are.” Um, no. This is not that Drew Barrymore rom-com when she had amnesia. Your mind is in mint condition. It’s your nasty personality that needs some work.
Has anyone called someone out before for not remembering who they were? I usually just silently fume in the moment and vow to write a blog post about it, but I would love to actually be like, “Um, you know who I am, diva. Stop pretending like you don’t.” It would feel so good, right? Maybe I will the next time it happens. WATCH OUT. 
”
It’s true. Those people who already saw you like a LOT of times and you even caught staring at you for a couple of times then pretend to not know you and even say, “It’s the first time I saw you”??
They S-U-C-K.
I’m not angry, it’s just that, duh, you’re too obvious. What’s the point? You can just say hi and say ‘so nice to finally talk to you.’ That’s a waaaay better line.
Anyway, this article I got from Thought Catalog is really a very good piece. I can really relate, and I think so is the most of us. ;)
xoxo,
Kyna
(Source: blush-on)
10:02 am • 24 January 2012 • 7 notes
